Sabot L'ours (sabotlours) wrote,
Sabot L'ours

  • Mood:

End of a chapter: A very short one

Last night I had a long discussion with overzen out on my patio. I decided that we should call it quits with our relationship. It was 100% my doing. I felt like total shit for doing it, but I wanted to end it sooner rather than later. I know there are some of you going, "I told you so!" since it seemed like we were rushing things. All I can say is that I am new to this relationship thing and have a whole hell of a lot to learn about what I want and what will make me happy.

For those of you that need a little backstory, I had fallen in love with zen back around April. We had started talking about him moving in with me. At this same time I had been chatting with my friend carol_kitty We had been friends since Sept. and shared an intimate moment at FC. I started to realize that I had deep feelings for her as well. This confused me to no end since I was getting very comfortable being gay and now I'm falling in love with a woman?!? It finally came to a head when I had to decide who I loved more. I realized that I had to be true to who I was, and so I chose to have a relationship with zen. This left Carol crushed. I managed to salvage the friendship, and all was good.

Summer came around and I let Carol stay at my house for a few weeks while she performed at the Santa Fe Opera. I realized that the flame of love I had for her was still there. But I had already committed to zen. I had to honor my word. And so I drove to Salt Lake, picked up zen, and we started our new life. But the flame still burned.

After a couple of weeks, I started to have feelings of doubt. I cared deeply about Ken, but the true love was not there. At the same time I had been chatting with Carol and realized just how much she still loved me. I thought back to May, and realized that maybe I had made a mistake. I loved both, but I couldn't have both. I found this situation very strange since I had lived my life pretty much devoid of love, and now I had too much. I came to the conclusion that one of the only reasons I was staying with zen was because I didn't want him hurt. I had promised him monogamy. I thought I could deliver. I was wrong. I could sneak around his back, but that would have been worse. I thought I could postpone the inevitable, but the pain would only be worse. And so I decided to tell him openly and honestly how I felt.

He sacrificed a great deal to come and be with me. I know he loved me. And I let him down. I can't say "I'm sorry" enough times. I hurt Carol deeply back in May. She allowed me to come back. I hope that Ken can find it in his heart to forgive me. I do love him and wish him no pain.
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
← Ctrl ← Alt
Ctrl → Alt →
← Ctrl ← Alt
Ctrl → Alt →