For those of you that need a little backstory, I had fallen in love with zen back around April. We had started talking about him moving in with me. At this same time I had been chatting with my friend carol_kitty We had been friends since Sept. and shared an intimate moment at FC. I started to realize that I had deep feelings for her as well. This confused me to no end since I was getting very comfortable being gay and now I'm falling in love with a woman?!? It finally came to a head when I had to decide who I loved more. I realized that I had to be true to who I was, and so I chose to have a relationship with zen. This left Carol crushed. I managed to salvage the friendship, and all was good.
Summer came around and I let Carol stay at my house for a few weeks while she performed at the Santa Fe Opera. I realized that the flame of love I had for her was still there. But I had already committed to zen. I had to honor my word. And so I drove to Salt Lake, picked up zen, and we started our new life. But the flame still burned.
After a couple of weeks, I started to have feelings of doubt. I cared deeply about Ken, but the true love was not there. At the same time I had been chatting with Carol and realized just how much she still loved me. I thought back to May, and realized that maybe I had made a mistake. I loved both, but I couldn't have both. I found this situation very strange since I had lived my life pretty much devoid of love, and now I had too much. I came to the conclusion that one of the only reasons I was staying with zen was because I didn't want him hurt. I had promised him monogamy. I thought I could deliver. I was wrong. I could sneak around his back, but that would have been worse. I thought I could postpone the inevitable, but the pain would only be worse. And so I decided to tell him openly and honestly how I felt.
He sacrificed a great deal to come and be with me. I know he loved me. And I let him down. I can't say "I'm sorry" enough times. I hurt Carol deeply back in May. She allowed me to come back. I hope that Ken can find it in his heart to forgive me. I do love him and wish him no pain.