Sabot L'ours (sabotlours) wrote,
Sabot L'ours

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The mending begins

Last night I spent a nice evening with zen just talking things over. We cried in each other's arms as we tried to sort out what happened. I cooked up one of my favorite chicken dishes, and we just sat and ate and watched one of his favorite movies.

We decided that we will still go to MFM next week. We will have a good time. I have heard from tygercowboy as well as berin that the con has been designated a "no-drama zone," so we will oblige. Actually, I think we have talked things through so that there will be no drama.

This does not work in all situations, but I like to use what I call the reset button. Find out when things went wrong and go back to just before that point. If things were good right before then, then go back to that point and try to carry on from there. Obviously if things went terribly wrong, there is no going back. There is also the fact that you now have more data that you didn't have before which could change things considerably. In discussing our timeline last night it really seemed that we rushed the whole moving in together thing way too much. We had started a very nice online relationship with me as a papabear and he as my cub. I fell in love with him shortly after that. Those were the good times. That is where I wish the relationship would have stayed for a longer period of time where we could have taken things slower.

I hope we can somehow reset the relationship to a point near there. I never want to lose zen as a friend. I think we agreed that that was possible.

One can never fully know what is going on in the mind of another (unless you're a Vulcan), so I can only know my own mind. And even if I perceive something to be that may not be 100% truth, it is still how I will perceive it. Part of my decision to end the relationship was what I saw when I went up to Salt Lake to pick him up. I saw that he had a loving family that he would no longer be physically close to. I saw a whole bunch of friends that loved him and cared for him greatly. I knew how much he loved the physical beauty of the Wasatch. I wanted him to finish his degree at a school that wouldn't cost an arm and a leg. I know there is a time when you must leave home and leave behind the comfortable and familiar. It's just that I perceived that I was ripping him away from all of that. I know that it was his decision as well, but I felt responsible. I want what's best for him. I know that only zen can know what's best for himself and that it's not up to me. However I know that he deserves better than me.

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