May 23rd, 2003

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Perpetual PCD

I think I have diagnosed myself as having perpetual post-con depression. There are some nights when I get online and just have a constant stream of chats with wonderful furiends. My heart is soaring a mile above the Earth. There's a sense of loving and being loved. This feeling can last for days. Finally, however, reality rears it's ugly head and you begin to realize that it's all masturbation. You're alone in your house, there is no intimate physical contact, there is no reading of facial expressions, there are only words on a screen. "*hehehe* *LOL* :0)" Are no replacements for the joyful sound of real laughter. And you can't hold that furiend in your arms when they're in pain or when they're depressed. And so depression and loneliness wash over yourself as well. You then start to realize again that there are people behind the words on the screen and therefore you DO have true friends. You are NOT alone. You begin to feel happy again, and the cycle repeats.

I once told another fur that I was depressed that I had hardly met anybody. "How many furiends do you have?" he asked. "Oh, a dozen or so," I replied "How long have you been out there?" he asked. "Oh, about 6 months." There was a pause. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT!" "Hmmm. I guess you're right." I have been blessed. Maybe one day the entire furry world will show up my house for a party, but until then, I'll just keep doing my best to be happy and to share the happiness.