So what we had last night was a post after getting off of the phone with 3 of my closest friends in what can only be termed an emotional train wreck. It went to the core of who I am and how I knew that one day my desire to love as many in the world would blow up in my face and take out those around me like a land mine. Yes, I hurt my lover last night. I hurt him badly. I pray that he is not mortally wounded. I just read his post from last night and I can see the blood and the tears. I hoped a night's sleep would clear my head, and I think it did. As I stated yesterday in song, I wanna know what love is. My heart has been closed for so long that I really don't know what it's all about. All of that pain and heartache shit that I heard about in love songs, oh yeah, it's real. And so now all I can do is wait and pray that I still have friends after the smoke has cleared from the flaming wreckage.
And there were 2 other victims involved in this wreck. Two more people that I love more than just about anyone else. One was just the switchman who threw the switch sending the 3 trains onto the same track, heading for a fiery collision. It was a mistake. I don't blame him. He has already been through a lot having to deal with helping pull the bodies from the wreckage.
And then there was the other engineer with whom we have discussed some of our inner-most desires and explored regions of ourselves never exposed to the light of day before. There was one door which we were planning to open with trembling hand. But the perils on the other side were just too frightening. Still....what lay beyond?
Califur is in 3 days. Hopefully a lot of healing can take place there. And I pray that I get a call, an email, an IM, from my mate, to let me know that healing can take place with him as well.